The day she left me...

The date is 31.01.13. Grandma's passing day. How I remember her.....

No one does it like you. How you call me constantly, bugging me, how you peep into my space just so i know you are around, that you told me all the history i should know, where i am from, what im made of, where i should be going. For every family, friend and neighbour, you choose to pass on some love. That's so you. It will be difficult to go on without you but i must. My hope is in the knowing, you are in a better place, with our Heavenly Father and i will see you again. Thank you all who share in our grieve. it shall pass and our hope lies in the promises of Christ.

went to be with the Lord....

a great friend's sister recently went to be with the Lord. we sat and thought abit about what to write in her obituary. stuff that we don't write about daily, we needed to find templates for reference as well. we don't face death daily, either a relative, a friend, someone you know, so inevitably, you don't get very good at dealing with it. 


my heart pains for those who grieves for their loved ones. although, for us who has accepted Jesus as our Lord and personal Saviour, we believe that we are going home to be with Him when we lay our bodies to rest. so, as we attend her wake, we call it a celebration of life that she had lived, as well the eternal life she is living now. no, not death. 


to grieve now, it is a must for her loved ones. i will sit and just listen to my friend if she needs to pour her heart. i don't need to know the clever words to comfort her. as for the elders, never is it right for them to see the younger ones passed before them. grieve and mourn for this season, for there will be the time for joy in the next season, when you have found peace again. 


the verse we chose for her :

A Birthday Party story by Nicholas Kok

Copyright : Nicholas Kok

Today is the baby birthday party. I and my auntie attend the party. We leave the house at 12:00 noon. We get there with a car.

We get to the birthday party at 1:00 noon. The environment at the party is very noisy. There are many people. I can see many balloons, food and drinks. I eat chicken soup and fried rice. I drink delicious orange juice.

When the cake show up, it is the time for the baby to blow the cake candle. All the people wish the baby to faster grow up. The baby blow the candle.

When it is the time to go back, we take two balloons from the party. We leave the party at 3:20 noon. We came back to the house at 3:40 noon.

I have fun at the party. My feeling is very happy. I wish I will go there next year. It is the unforgettable day in my life. 

any any

during my primary school years, i was a girl who had deep thoughts. there was an older brother in my church who cultivated in me the expression of writing and penning my thoughts. it was only after he had left the country and migrated to USA that we began writing each other. it wasn't just a once a month deal, you may think 2 pages long letter whereby a big brother is just fulfilling his 'niceties' to a small girl. wrote weekly, each letter could stretch almost 7 to 8 pages long, maybe even longer when it gets posted only after 2 weeks. 

through the letter writing, it brought out the dreamy side of every little girl. dreaming of owning a cafe which sells anything and everything you want only if you ask. it's called Any Any. reason being, when someone asks, where are we going now? anywhere. what are we having? anything. hence, everyone will always be talking about Any Any :)

change of perspective

how about a change of perspective in life? a friend was telling me how she is making a change in the way she looks at relationship with work, men and gal friends. it used to be - work comes first, satisfaction guaranteed. then, it was - the man in her life comes above everything and everyone else. not giving a hoot to going out with nice boys and girls who like to have quality lunch or dinners. now? it's all about relationship with God and the precious girlfriends she has around her. 


we have a friend who seem to give up on every other relationship but her family. or so we think, or maybe it's just our group she has given up on? nah.....we can't be that bad. i've heard time and time again from different ladies, how important girlfriends are in their life, no matter the timing in their life. when you want to go party, who party the hardest with you? when you are down in the dumps, who stoops down with you? when you need your space, who waits patiently at a distance for you? these are true friends, not to let go. remember, God comes in physical form through cherished hugs, kisses, pats on back, honest chiding - in our girlfriends. 

monday blues

for me, monday blues begin after dinnertime on sunday nights. usually lasting till lunchtime on mondays. why not the whole day? well, im one of the few blessed people to work in a company which ends work at 5pm, so for most of you with 9-5pm jobs, would know how quickly time passes after lunchtime. but hey, not being too quick to award best job and timing to me, i do suffer from a mild saturday blues too. it begins from friday after supper till saturday 1pm. why? because i have to work EVERY saturday. yeah. 

still, im one of the many blessed human alive today to hold an employment, to be independant enough financially and to be able to bless my family with what i earn. so, before that monday and saturday blues get you too down too quickly, be reminded how much worst not having that blues, cause when you get to laze home from monday to sunday, trust me, it will soon become monday blues, tuesday blues, wednesday blues, thur.................

do not just be hearers, be doers as well

last night, celebrated my best friend's birthday with a wonderful yummy thai style dinner, paired

with an interesting discussion on spirituality. amazing how God timed certain revelation for His   

sheeps. she shared with me about a book she recently read, again out of accident she found the book and decided to give it a go, finished reading it in 2hours. book worm :) about how 2 women from different spiritual background, their journeys and finally how they met. 

she was telling me about 1 of the ladies who was born into a satan worship family, naturally brought up in satan worship as well. her descriptive narration of satan, demons, torture, fear, all her life was very real. little known to us common people, that these spiritualistic elements are all around us, though we do not see, feel, touch them. 

diseases such as cancer were never God's directive for us, it was never part of God's plan for us. satan only meant these for humankind 1. to steal from us 2. to kill us 3. to destroy us

we spoke somemore about our spiritual ignorance, sometimes we walk into any temple barefoot with innocence as we JUST WANTED to see the beauty of the architecture, right...??? well, unknown to us, how using our bare touch will connect us with the spirit of the place. then, i recall, during 1 of my overseas work trips this year, i was so silly to walk in barefoot in 1 of the local temple, in the presumption of JUST FOLLOWING my colleagues and see what they do inside. i even went beyond, i followed them circling the temple idol. how spiritual that was! 

do not just be hearers of the word, be doers. this very day, i learn to be humble, allow the spirit of God to search me and to break the curse of all the past bondages and hold in my life. what good is it, if i had heard all being said last night, and choose to continue to be ignorant? 

she will be back

i have a girl friend whom i grew up with. I always saw her, as a girl of strong virtues growing up into a woman of steel and wisdom. or so i thought. it recently dawn on me that in all these years, i've only seen the best side of her, God forbid, that anyone should see the worst side of her, even me. 

when i saw the brokenness in her which she finally allowed herself to bare, how was i suppose to react? imagine new york's lady statue of liberty proudly standing there for years, then one day you wake up to see she is stripped of all she was, left standing is only a piece of broken rubble? i can tell you how you would feel.

with all the years that passed between us, the struggles we went through together, the knowingness that we are there for each other and no matter how weak she has now become, how broken, you will love that person with a fierceness you never knew, a love that only God knows is best for her, not in my own way. you will allow grace from above and time to work itself in her, while you stand beside her, just being there for her, allowing herself to be herself. because you know, she will be back.

once beaten, twice shy

i ever gotten so angry and worked up over a situation that i fumed for days and thought up every possible ways of revenge. well, maybe not fumed for days, just for a day. and then get worked up every other day whenever i am reminded of the injustice done upon my poor soul. as time goes by, i will soon be rid of the unhealthy choked and pent up boiling lava inside me and just let bygones be bygones. 

till one day, an ex-colleague reminded me of something which happened 2 years back. the same injustice and even worst was executed then, yet, even now, talking and reliving it, does nothing to reek even a twitch of an emotion. then i wonder, when we say, forgive but not forget, did we realise that in our healthy brain, we will eventually store up so much we have to delete some old files, by not even realising it. forgetting isn't so bad afterall, for our own good. to maintain a healthy mind, body and soul. yet, not going so far as to allow ourselves to be taken advantage again though. afterall, once beaten, twice shy :)

somethings are better not knowing, than knowing

how do you face the people daily whom you know have been delighting in spreading the rumours they have vowed not to speak about? how do you work with the superior who has intentionally not take up the responsibilities of his own faults? how do you try to understand friendships which you assumed had meant something throughout the years when the 'friend' had outrightly betrayed your trust? 

indeed, somethings are better not knowing, than knowing

right believing, right living

i've heard it been said before, that the self in us tends to make bad a situation, even if it does not call for it. when you have a relationship to treasure, yet you go ahead to make ways unbearable for your partner and you. there's a tendency to destroy the precious things in life. that's the self in us. 
if you had the chance to make it right, will you now? or the pride in you is causing you to hold back. is the person important enough that you do not want to live without him or her. isn't it time to think about what you want in life, you may not know what will happen in future, all you can do is trust and wait on God. put all your good ideas aside, because He has the last say, only God ideas will bring prosperity and completeness into your life. 
so in the end, it's not about what you do, it's about right believing, leading to right living. 

when are you going to shower?

would you have known?

yesterday, i blew a situation out of proportion. what anyone would have consider as having my interest at heart, i had taken it out of context and made every possible disillusionment out of it as i could. bless my best friend's soul who snapped me out of cloud 99 and put my 2 feet back on the ground. what i was angry is not at the people who did not stand up for me, nor at the situation but rather at myself for not having the balls to stand up for the truth. thus thinking to save face and thinking i'm acting appropriately, that i actually sold myself out. i betrayed my own emotions and honesty. for what? nothing. eventually, still i have to be the one to mop the floor and clean the place up. so, why can't i have done it from the beginning and save everyone the hassle? then she reminded me that we wouldn't have known how to handle the situation at the point of time either, as it does not happen everyday, not like we had practiced it many times before. still, i felt it was a call of character to have done and spoken the right thing. 

i can't wait to meet her

when i laid eyes on her for the first time, she brought such joy to me. even before i know her name, i already love her. she is worth every trial and tribulation i need to go through. i will go through this for her. i will remember her for every hurt, every pain, every sadness because she replaces it far above with abounding joy, abounding love, abounding hope. i can't wait, to meet her soon. 

it is well with your soul

i know you are hurting, my dearest sister. you put up the strong front for everyone around you, so they will not need to share in your pain. your pain is your own to bear, right? well, wrong! whenever you have the chance,  you will share with me about the things you cherish with him, the one you love so much, unconditionally. though you believe he loves and appreciates you, yet he cannot give you a future, not one according to your heart's desire. 


yet you are willing, willing to love him with all your understanding and do not mind to be loved in return as his 3rd or 4th priority. how could you love yourself so little in compromising your life's happiness? you deserve the best because of who you are. 


you have been hurt so badly that it will take time and a newfound love to heal your wounds and make you complete again. till then, take all the time you need to find yourself, be the best in what you do. do not ever let another person direct the way you live your life, any lesser than what it should be. you have so much love to give, and there is this person whom God created for you, to complete your life once and for all. so, in the meantime, be smart to say no to doors that do not belong to you lest you should be hurt again. 


you will wake up one day and realise you are not waking up to that same dulling pain in your heart. that is when , it is well with your soul.

i am becoming like my mother

if i hear her say it one more time, i will explode. "talk to me, why does other daughters talk to their mothers about everything, but you with hold yourself from me, why can't you be more like them?" sounds familiar? not to everyone, blessed are you whose mother finds you sufficient. who am i to complain, as i have friends who had lost their mothers to depression, to accidents. my excuse is, i was too young to consider. i am ignorant. 

i kept myself away from her, physically, emotionally, mentally and even in my faith. i didn't want to share with her any part of my life. i was angry she often ask me to be someone i am not. i question why doesn't SHE become like other mothers who comfort, protect, provide. you know, i wanted her to do as i please, what most suits me. always thinking she is the one in the wrong, i became more distant. i made every choice in my life, my own. nothing to do with her, not needing her consent. from college choice, boyfriend choice, car choice, career choice. 

no one is perfect, i should not expect that of anyone, more so of my own mother. i should not doubt the one thing which has always been there, that she loves me. too bad, it takes the worst of situation for me to come to realise that. like when i got into fights, she is the one who threw that punch and slap on my behalf. whoa!! way to go MOM! like when i was devastated and helpless after a break up, like a vegetable, i could not think or do anything, i will find lunch and dinner ready, as always. 

she may utter "get out of the house" "you are not my daughter" "you have no respect for me, you treat me invisible and dead" i've learned that no matter how much i put in to please her, there's never enough i can do to change the way she thinks. so, it don't matter if she keeps on saying those stuff, because i know now, nothing i could do to make her stop loving me. 

it's true when they say old folks has insight that young people do not have. i have not become a mother yet, but i have reached a point where i could see the bigger perspective. i am not defending them, you know what, i am becoming like my mother. 

it was a starry night

 

i saw her for the first time when i was seven years old. it was my first week at school, we were having a recess at the school field. we talked abit, not that i can remember what it is about right now. that same day was also my first day going home on the school bus. i remembered, it was a huge yellow school bus, just like how a little girl will imagine it to be. when i got on the bus, she was there too. we looked at each other with wide eyes, not too sure if we should sit together, would she reject me? then, she asked me, would you like to be my best friend?


from that day on, we were inseparable. we sat together in class, we sat together in the school bus, when we were dropped off at our own homes, it was painful, then we called each other on the telephone and spoke for hours about nothing. sometimes, we'd just hold the receiver, saying nothing while watching tv together, in our own homes! that was the sweetest times of friendship, nothing like the simplicity of a child's mind. 


as years went by, we had many moments of stargazing together, we called it so, because those were moments of stepping out of our level of maturity, of an achievement, of a celebration. from barbie dolls, to boy bands, to simple make up and then some more real life boy chasing or being chased, to cold wars where we don't speak about things in our hearts because we are turning into women who had so much identity issues inside. then we begin to have other best friends and then....we just lost touch. 


weeks turn into months, turning into years. we have no idea what is going on in each other's life although we still see each other occasionally in church, in some mutual friend's wedding or birthday parties. it's not accidental when people come together, in this case, people coming back together because the absent year in our friendship did not harm the core of our love for each other. we were more than best friends, we are sisters joined by the same faith, that goes deeper than any blood ties. 


we began rebuilding our ship that washed ashore on dry land. pouring water daily to make it afloat, mending the rotting wood that threatens time and again to sink the ship, taking turn being captain and helper when one becomes strong and the other weak. we know there will be storms, there will be pirates on this rich ocean we are sailing in together, yet nothing will make us abandon ship. she is God's love materializing in physical form.  


then, one day, we sat atop her roof, in the still quietness of the night, wind breezing through our hair and looked up, it was a starry night.

he gave his life

there was once a farmhouse set atop a breezy hill overlooking a valley. there was a beautiful lake where swan and duck swam, horse, cow and sheep will drink from and graze on the green grass spanning miles surrounding the lake. Farmer Kim's children will go to the lake every evening for a nice cool dip. 

the farm animals lived in harmony, each playing their role to support the farm. the chicken will lay eggs and how the children loved having all sorts of different egg each morning. mother Kim will make scramble eggs as how rosie may likes, sunny side up eggs as how louie tom likes and soft boiled eggs as how jimmy rain likes. 


farmer kim is hard at work the whole day, tending to the animals with different needs. the horse will need a hoof change, the sheep will need to be led for grazing the grass and being protected against wild beasts of the land. farmer kim's best helper doggy tim is hard at work too, making sure the sheep do not run apart from the group, lest they get separated, that is when they get into trouble. 


one morning, as the farm animals was just waking up to the first crow of the day, there came an unwanted visitor. it was the slimy slithery snake from the forest. although none of the animals paid much attention to him as they know snake blake always brings trouble to them, but they couldn't help but notice all the wimpering and sniffing that snake blake was making. finally, mother hen sue being the kindest of hearts asked snake blake, what is troubling him? 


snake blake began to explain about the human who has been visiting the forest and bringing machinary to begin cutting trees and clearing the land to make way for new houses and buildings. so snake blake came to inform them that he is moving away to a far place and he is throwing a farewell party. all the farm animals are invited. after that, snake blake left. 


for that whole day, the farm animals was very excited about the party they were going to attend that night. they went about performing their duties happily and looked forward to the end of the day. as night falls, the animals was getting ready to leave the barn. owl reid cautioned the animals and told them not to go as snake blake is the father of all lies and is out to harm them. still, the animals threw owl reid's caution out the window and went on their way. 


owl reid flew to farmer kim's window to warn him of trouble brewing. farmer kim, sensing something amiss, put on his coat and took out his shotgun to go down to the barn. as he opened the door to the barn and seeing that all the animals are gone, he woke mother kim and tole her to get the vets to the farm as soon as she can and he immediately ran after them. snake blake was lying in wait at the edge of the forest with all his other wily snake friends to kill the unsuspecting animals. 


farmer kim ran with all his heart. he could see the animals but could not reach them in time before they reach the forest, so he began to fire shots into the night in order to warn the animals to turn around. at this point, snake blake could not wait anymore and shot out to grab his first victim, sheep henry. the rest of the animals managed to turn around and ran away as fast as they could back to the direction of the barn. sheep henry was trapped by ten different snakes from all directions, it seems there was no way to save him now. farmer kim surged on ahead and began firing at the snakes, but it was too late as two very poisonous snakes has already bitten sheep henry. still farmer kim reached out to grab sheep henry. snake blake seized that opportunity to sink his poisonous teeth into farmer kim's heels. you see, snake blake's main objective was to lure farmer kim as they had always been the biggest of enemies. oh, how farmer kim fought to swing away the snakes and with all the energy he has left, ran back to the farm. 


now, back on the farm, vets were waiting to treat sheep henry. throughout the night, vets worked on sheep henry to save him while farmer kim was also brought to the hospital to be treated. no one could close their eyes as they waited for the news of sheep henry and farmer kim. by the first crow of the day, they received news that sheep henry and farmer kim is on the road to recovery. 


you see, farmer kim would have given his life to anyone of the farm animals because he loved them. he will fight the battle against that wily evil snake for them and will be victorious over and over again. no matter how much lies and plotting snake blake does, he will never win over the goodness of farmer kim's love as he gave his life for all who put their hope in him, he will never disappoint and forsake them.