i am becoming like my mother

if i hear her say it one more time, i will explode. "talk to me, why does other daughters talk to their mothers about everything, but you with hold yourself from me, why can't you be more like them?" sounds familiar? not to everyone, blessed are you whose mother finds you sufficient. who am i to complain, as i have friends who had lost their mothers to depression, to accidents. my excuse is, i was too young to consider. i am ignorant. 

i kept myself away from her, physically, emotionally, mentally and even in my faith. i didn't want to share with her any part of my life. i was angry she often ask me to be someone i am not. i question why doesn't SHE become like other mothers who comfort, protect, provide. you know, i wanted her to do as i please, what most suits me. always thinking she is the one in the wrong, i became more distant. i made every choice in my life, my own. nothing to do with her, not needing her consent. from college choice, boyfriend choice, car choice, career choice. 

no one is perfect, i should not expect that of anyone, more so of my own mother. i should not doubt the one thing which has always been there, that she loves me. too bad, it takes the worst of situation for me to come to realise that. like when i got into fights, she is the one who threw that punch and slap on my behalf. whoa!! way to go MOM! like when i was devastated and helpless after a break up, like a vegetable, i could not think or do anything, i will find lunch and dinner ready, as always. 

she may utter "get out of the house" "you are not my daughter" "you have no respect for me, you treat me invisible and dead" i've learned that no matter how much i put in to please her, there's never enough i can do to change the way she thinks. so, it don't matter if she keeps on saying those stuff, because i know now, nothing i could do to make her stop loving me. 

it's true when they say old folks has insight that young people do not have. i have not become a mother yet, but i have reached a point where i could see the bigger perspective. i am not defending them, you know what, i am becoming like my mother.